When I first heard this British Gordo bit a year and a half ago, I was immediately in awe of the character and the talent required to present it. There through the radio, we heard him describe a street scene “touched and swaddled by wonder, and yes, just a pickle of bewilderment.” The display of verbosity and pitch-perfect British earnestness was hilarious and amazing. It was indeed a “verbal firehose” (as Gordo described it), that requires repeated listening and in-depth examination. We finally got that chance today as British Gordo, Baron of Bits and Lord of the Donut, was re-aired during the 8:40 bit. While not specifically soccer-related, one can acknowledge the obvious ties to soccer, as England is, of course, the birthplace and defacto home of the sport the rest of the world calls football.
Here now is the transcript of the classic British Gordo bit, which clocks in at 152.8 words per minute. (One can only imagine what the transcriptionist at Rev.com was thinking as the words “Why this clear tommyrot of use of power structure in which we experience the visage of the…structurally-altered owner of the Dallas football club” were being transcribed.)
British Gordo: I’m British Gordo here, son of James, Earl of Deethouse, Baron of Bits, and Lord of the Donut. I’m indeed here, stationed and situated on the bitumen of the dynamic district of Waterloo, tucked in the bustling borough of Lambeth, a mere one kilometer from Charring Cross. The street scene here is one touched and swaddled by wonder, and yes, just a pickle of bewilderment. Yes, there is also almost a sudden and unforecasted malaise that has descended onto our commons, saturating it in disgruntled madness in response and, daresay preparation, for the football match to be commenced and executed on the pitch of Wembley, a mere matter of hours from this, our time, our place in history.
I’m of course speaking of the Dallas Cowboys and the football Jaguars. Let me just say, it is my duty to report that in this reporter’s view, Londoners are no longer besotted by the Dallas Cowboys. I believe that this is due to one Antonio Romo, the pitchman and field marshal of the Cowboy regimen. He has fallen ill. He has held scenes situated in a condition best described as “a bit off”. Will the understudy, Brandon Weeden, ascend to the perch once called “the most coveted in all of sport”? Not in the entirety of human of endeavors has a controversy of such elephantine proportions plunged a nation into such a panic.
Do you think young Brandan Carr would be the potion needed for the witch’s brew required for an unbroken contagion of Cowboy laurels afforded only to those who emerge as victors? That is the question that I put to you, sir. Brandon Weeden, what do you think?
British Gordo: Do I have to repeat the whole thing? Brandon Weeden, do you think he will ascend to the perch that Tony Romo once commanded so well for the Dallas Cowboys, and will he bring this team to victory?
Woman: Sorry, I don’t really…
British Gordo: Thank you so much for your time. Let me ask you, ma’am. Can I ask you, why do Brit-
Woman: [foreign language]
British Gordo: -Brits find it so impossible, so utterly confounding, this befuddlement in the American football matters? Do you understand American football?
British Gordo: Do you care to understand it?
British Gordo: Not at all? That is indeed the experience that I’m having here on the street. What is it about our gray matter that seems to not be able to handle having a go at ten yards at a time with a four try?
Woman: I have no idea.
British Gordo: Neither do many other Brits, Musers. I tell you, it’s very strange to see this. Let me ask you, sir. Advancing towards the golden H of the rectangular painted pasture known as the end zone being the goal, is this something that you see the Cowboys accomplishing time after time this weekend? Yes? No? A simple answer will do, sir. Thank you.
Man: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
British Gordo: Thank you so much for your time. You can see the mood here, Musers, is one of absolute annoyance. These people seem very annoyed that the Dallas Cowboys are actually in town. Why this clear tommyrot of use of power structure in which we experience the visage of the owner, the proprietor, the agent, structurally-altered owner of the Dallas football club, descending into the periphery of the pitch to communicate with the field manager in a way that upsets fans and visiting supporters alike. What do you have to say on that, sir?
British Gordo: Not a thing? Does it bother you to see Jerry Jones on the sidelines?
Man: Nothing at all.
British Gordo: I completely agree, sir. Completely agree. Well, you can see, Musers, once again I’ve proven that Londoners hate the Dallas football Cowboys. Thank you for your time and your pleasant countenance. For Ticket Sport Channel 1, reporting live from the carriageway of the queen, I’m British Gordo. To Craig the Miller and George William II in the presenter’s booth, cheerio and God bless.
##End of transcription##